16 years and one scrapped marriage later I am on the dating scene again. I won't address the "hot" issue; you've seen the curlers. Dating as a divorcee is just as stupid and awkward as dating in highschool. Maybe worse. Because now the internet is involved. You've been working the married/monogmous circuit for a decade...you don't know where single people hide. Log on to Match.com to find the answer: they are hiding in a dark room in their house tapping away on their lap top. Like you. Thousands of them. Millions, maybe. They all have sparkling personalities and the bestest of intentions, so their profiles say. It's like reading a resume wearing beer goggles. Everybody looks like a "10".
AND there is a post-divorce pattern. It goes something like this:
1) Create profile, don't post any personal info or pictures. Log on as the opposite sex to eyeball your local competition.
2) Post a vague picture. I posted one of my eyeball, which solicited the comment, "Hey. Nice eyeball. What does the rest of you look like?"
3) Post an essay about how glorious you are, along with a Glamour Shot. Feel very flattered by the cyber attention as your profile is viewed by 150 people in one day.
4) Freak out and hide your profile.
5) Realize no potential date would be able to find you in public based on that photo (some folks skip this step).
6) Take 1 million photos, post 3.
7) Get the bright idea to do a general scan of your local cyberpopulations. Find 5 people you know in real life and block them. No real people allowed!
8) Get an email from a funny, cool, and intelligent guy. Find out he was in your highschool Trig class. Go out, have a great time. It's just like a date with...your brother. Keep in touch.
9) Congratulate yourself for going on a date. Hide profile.
10) Your favorite bank lady runs off to Kansas to marry a guy she met on Match.
11) Get bored, unhide profile, rewrite profile. Enjoy the attention as it validates your
12) Recieve a message from your lawn guy warning you to proceed with caution 'cause there are a lot of guys online only after "one thing" (and btw, he met the most wonderful gal on here!),
13) Email back and forth with a few guys, no dates. Lots of winks from the AARP crowd. Perverts.
14) Meet--in no particular order--The Player, The Guilty Neurotic, The Midlife Crisis Neurotic, The Jet Setter, The Con, and Edward Scissor Hands. Start to take it personally.
15) Let best friend look at profile, who immediately finds the most compatible individual in the state for you and promptly blogs the experience.
16) THE Match--the highly compatible one who actually comes across like a real life person--just isn't ready. Which is fine. That's how I felt last year. Hence all the profile hiding.
Bitter? No. Exasperated? Yes. "But I'm busy! I don't have time to get out there." Nah. What a cop out. I'm not too busy to tweak the wording on the profile 500 times or check the website. "But I have kids...it's hard to meet people when you have kids!" Seriously? Kids are like puppies. They're cute and provide fodder for conversations. There's lots of hunky single dads out there at those kid functions. Why don't we have a local chapter of "Parents Without Partners"? Oh, because in 2011 that's fodder for an SNL skit. In the end, my lesson is exactly what I tell my 11 year old about the DSi: "Put the electronics down and go play." I'll keep y'all posted. Note the irony.
