Falling in Love With A Neat Guy

WARNING: I'm going to gush a little.

A Dozen Reasons Why I'm Head Over Heels for Neat Guy:
1. We're friends. He is intelligent, humble, funny, genuine, and respectful. I like him and I like sharing him. Seeing how much other people like him too will never get old.
2. We have great communication. We talk. Deep stuff, childhoods, current events, parenting, work, Lady Gaga...and that was just at breakfast one morning.
3. Neat Guy has an amazing sense of humor: Keen observation skills, a knack for comedic interpretation, and talent for honing in on absurdities and nuance.
4. We smile when we kiss. Kissing a wonderful person who you adore is happy business. And, he's a really terrific kisser.
5. His love is cozy, happy, gentle, protective, exciting, fun, and totally legit. Like skinny dipping in your own pool. With love like that the rest of the world doesn't seem as harsh.
6. He's wise. Intelligence paired with common sense and insight.  That's up a notch from smart. He attributes his wisdom to great parents.
7. He has really neat kids. His kids are "good people".
8. He is inventive, creative, and resourceful. I call him the Lawn McGyver: Waste not want not...he uses practical application to make outdoor life more comfortable and entertaining.
9. He's good with money. He has a fabulous budget that he shared with me. I admire it as a thing of beauty, with awe and lack of comprehension. Much the same way I looked at high school trigonometry before I withdrew and switched to a sculpture class.
10. He treats people with kindness, consideration, and patience. That's just how he is.
11. He has the manly ability to fix things and use tools. He fixed my bicycle, the AC in his car, my laptop...and he digs great holes for trees too.
12. He's humble. So he'll get all squirmy about this list.

ADD, Part 1

ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder
Code Word: SQUIRREL!

At age 7 my oldest daughter lit up an qEEG brainscan and was dubbed the "posterchild" for a female with ADHD. She gets it honest. Since childhood I've been empathic, creative, anxious, and prone to getting lost in thought. Both parents share a lot of these traits beginning in their own childhoods. In our family, ADD/ADHD traits are "normal". We have a lot of fun with it, actually.

ADDer's of my generation grew up with report cards that said things like:

• Does Not Pay Attention in Class
• Disruptive in Class
• Does Not Turn In Assignments on Time
• Talks Too Much
• Does Not Read Directions
• Not Working Up to Potential
• Will Not Sit Still

The traditional classroom is not ADD/ADHD friendly.

At this time ADD has 3 classifications: Primarily Inattentive, Hyperactive/Impulsive, and Mixed. From what is understood now, it is genetic and there is a lot of overlap with symptoms on the Autism Spectrum and Anxiety Disorders. My diagnosis is Primarily Inattentive type (and paired with an above average IQ, which masks some symptoms and amplifies others).

First off, "Primarily Inattentive" is a misnomer. The issue is actually noticing everything. All at once. I call it "buckshot thinking". Picture the path of a regular bullet: straight, one hole in the target. Picture buckshot: straightish, yet resulting in multiple holes, a "spray" in the target.  It's not so much an issue of "paying attention" as it is a struggle to focus attention on one thing. And what that one thing ought to be. Following are some pros and cons of Primarily Inattentive type.

The Pros:

• Out of the Box Thinking: There's a saying: "When you hear hoof beats, think horses." (Obviously an American saying vs. an African one-lol-Squirrel!) Faced with a dilemma the ADD brain immediately thinks: "any hoofed animal". Then it goes to weeding them out through abstract deductive reasoning.
• Automatically seeing the "big picture". Literally. A lot of ADD "thinking" can best be described as impressions derived from micro processing vs. intentional thought.
• Creativity: artistic, dramatic, you name it
• Original ideas or solutions
• Curiosity: Finding nuances to explore
• Hyper focusing: the awesome power of "the zone".
• Empathy

The Cons:

• Linear thought is often painful. Excruciating. Frustrating. Organizing is highly challenging and takes a lot of concentration and persistence. It wears us out.
• Ditto for paperwork. Especially that with multiple steps.
• Multiple steps, period. Kids with ADD often struggle more once they begin changing classes in school and do better on a block schedule or in college where there are fewer classes at a time.
• Noticing everything can be overwhelming. Hence the overlap with anxiety issues.
• Out of sight, out of mind. What progress report? Car keys? Homework? Bills? Huh? (I create paper stacks with the theory of "If I can see it I will be more likely to do it".  Do NOT touch my paper stacks. I will have a panic attack.)
• A tendency to start several things at once, resulting in multiple half finished projects (i.e. more to notice and be overwhelmed about) OR...
• Procrastinating/inertia triggered by anxiety.
• Tendency to get lost in thought, i.e. "daydreaming"
• Trouble delegating. If prioritizing for oneself is a challenge imagine the added step of prioritizing for someone else.
• Shame.

Recently a client in group therapy said, "People outgrow ADD, right?". Uh, no. Ty Pennington hawking Adderall? Seen that? Course I did not say this in group. The appropriate answer is, "No. We just manage it better." Some essentials to managing ADD/ADHD: self acceptance, finding a profession that utilizes your strengths and minimally engages your weaknesses, good support, organizational tools, structure, and a sense of humor.

Long Goodbyes

Dad and I have said many goodbyes, having lived in separate states for 31 years. We liked to keep them short. It hurt less that way. Tonight I am sitting on the sofa at my father's home, with my laptop on a TV tray, keeping vigil. Across from me is the most brilliant, complex, and fortunate man I've ever met. My father. Five minutes ago he did not know where he was or why friends weren't coming to get him. Now he is asleep sitting in his chair. My daughters and I had planned an end of school visit. The day we were to arrive Dad went into the hospital suffering from vivid hallucinations.
He needed to be on a geriatric/psychiatric unit for observation. Professionally, I knew that was the absolute best option. The doctor agreed. All but one family member agreed. My father refused. He is a neuropsychologist who, at 82, remembers some very horrible things about 1960's psych wards. He obtained his postdoctorate after surviving a major traumatic brain injury from a motor vehicle accident. The recovery was horrendous. He hates hospitals. He was furious with me for suggesting he go.
The doctor discharged him with instructions that my father not be alone until his follow up appointment. My father is very private and introverted, yet charming and social. His idea of "a visit" is that my girls and I come and go so he gets his alone time. In fact, Dad and I have pretty much survived this way for years. We give each other a lot of space and have each other's back when the chips are down.
Dad is struggling to accept the gravity of this situation. Intellectually he knows far more than I do about what is happening to him and what to expect. It's his greatest fear. Several years ago he supported his mother through dementia, so he's experienced my side of it too. For several days he was in denial, short tempered about being watched. This morning at his follow up visit the doctor reiterated that my father needs supervision, especially at night when symptoms worsen. He also told him not to drive. And that he wants Dad to see a neurologist and psychiatrist.
On the way home Dad became agitated about being "babysat". Finally I just looked at him and said, "Dad, there's nothing good about this. It sucks. It sucks that you are hallucinating. It sucks that your balance is off. It sucks that you are on so many meds. We just have to get through it." His response was to fall asleep. Or maybe he was just thinking. Either way, he became quiet and calmer. Later he stated this had "been a long time coming".
We--Dad, me, my sister, his grand kids, his friends--will whether this long goodbye.

Meaning Amongst Ashes

Somewhere along the way I became fond of the idea that life eventually slides into place. That at various points it might jolt us, and we regroup, but that there are periods of peaceful existence. Times where the mechanics of life are clicking along so smoothly that higher thought is easily accessible and flourishes.

Idealism of the immature mind. Fairytales. Yet not nearly as magical as reality.

The actuality is that life, yours and mine, is more akin to the tectonic plates. Always moving. Changing. Sometimes nearly unnoticeable, sometimes dramatic. We slide against one another, we grate, we clash, we separate, we join. We create beauty, drama, disaster, and vistas. The mirage of peaceful existence is superficial. Below the surface, in any of us, at any time, there exists movement that moment to moment changes the landscape of our lives and those around us.

Genius takes root not in the placidity of smooth soil, but as a result of chaos. The ultimate resiliency. We flourish, we extend ourselves, we reach. Hardship provides ideal conditions for ingenuity. That is the difference between the green and well meaning student with an IQ of 135 and the one who has life experience. Life is our best classroom. It will hone you. The truly resilient find meaning amongst ashes.

I'd like to stop and collect my thoughts; Present them in a tidy package. Yet there is no "pause" button. At best there is the lull between crests. The trick is to capture the calm and use it wisely. Amazing things happen when this is mastered. One of my favorite examples of this is the pioneer of existentialism, Viktor Frankl.

If you are waiting for life to slow down, realize it may not. Functioning through life means functioning through change. Meaning, motivation, inspiration, opportunity, and courage so often flourish in the soil of disaster. The question is, will we look?