It's the vulnerability of the wounded soul that is attractive. The hint that we can help and will reap the reward of this fantastic individual's greatness that is, we are told, momentairily overshadowed by a deep unhealed rend. For in every other way they are okay--maybe even fantastic. They are charming, beautiful, intelligent and a whole host of outstanding qualities that make the wound seem out of place.
We learn to love the person around the wound. Sometimes it is as though they are whole, and those are wonderful moments. Moments that keep us going for days, months, years, decades to come. Moments recalled as we sit dumbfounded in pain. How could someone who loves us so much hurt us so badly? So intentionally? So maliciously?
"What did I do?" becomes the question. Surely we must have caused this, inadvertantly salted the wound. And they are quick to agree, "It's not me, it's you", sometimes said so smoothly we hardly notice the prick. We walk upon eggshells, we cater, we go above, we go beyond, we get angry, and sometimes we go mad. Crazy. Trying to reignite the warmth of the lover, for the cold and barren place within their wound is such that most of us have never experienced.
There is a vampire like quality to this love. They are cold. We are warm. They draw the life out of us and into themselves. We emerge anemic, disoriented, harmed. They are energized, full of vitality (our vitality). Temporairily. For it is not theirs to keep, only consume. And that is how they survive.
When this person wants you, you are both prey and muse. A symbol of what they want and want to be, elevated above all others. But you are never "you". They have an infantile view of loved ones as extensions of themselves and they react to your departure as a betrayal.
Sometimes it takes a while to understand the dynamic. Our soul was not meant to sustain two. And the wound that they alternately hide and flaunt is not a wound, but a void. Like a black hole, it draws into itself and obliterates what it consumes. To feed it is to make it hungrier. To feed it is to waste the precious gift of our own soul.
Once you have transfused with this person a trace of them stays with you forever--To your benefit, because the memory will act as your alarm system. You will feel it in your gut, perhaps taste it as bile in your mouth. They will see the door of opportunity shut and move on as if you suddenly blended completely into the landscape. Neutrality is repellant.
Because what you know is that wounds don't heal from the outside in but from the inside out. And no amount of love, sex, money, religion, or adulation packed into that wound will ever do--such things will only become contaminated by the festering underneath. To heal a physical wound, nurture the body. To heal a psychological wound, nurture the soul. Take it into you, chew it, process it, let it become a part of you and rebuke the infection. Go forth whole.
We learn to love the person around the wound. Sometimes it is as though they are whole, and those are wonderful moments. Moments that keep us going for days, months, years, decades to come. Moments recalled as we sit dumbfounded in pain. How could someone who loves us so much hurt us so badly? So intentionally? So maliciously?
"What did I do?" becomes the question. Surely we must have caused this, inadvertantly salted the wound. And they are quick to agree, "It's not me, it's you", sometimes said so smoothly we hardly notice the prick. We walk upon eggshells, we cater, we go above, we go beyond, we get angry, and sometimes we go mad. Crazy. Trying to reignite the warmth of the lover, for the cold and barren place within their wound is such that most of us have never experienced.
There is a vampire like quality to this love. They are cold. We are warm. They draw the life out of us and into themselves. We emerge anemic, disoriented, harmed. They are energized, full of vitality (our vitality). Temporairily. For it is not theirs to keep, only consume. And that is how they survive.
When this person wants you, you are both prey and muse. A symbol of what they want and want to be, elevated above all others. But you are never "you". They have an infantile view of loved ones as extensions of themselves and they react to your departure as a betrayal.
Sometimes it takes a while to understand the dynamic. Our soul was not meant to sustain two. And the wound that they alternately hide and flaunt is not a wound, but a void. Like a black hole, it draws into itself and obliterates what it consumes. To feed it is to make it hungrier. To feed it is to waste the precious gift of our own soul.
Once you have transfused with this person a trace of them stays with you forever--To your benefit, because the memory will act as your alarm system. You will feel it in your gut, perhaps taste it as bile in your mouth. They will see the door of opportunity shut and move on as if you suddenly blended completely into the landscape. Neutrality is repellant.
Because what you know is that wounds don't heal from the outside in but from the inside out. And no amount of love, sex, money, religion, or adulation packed into that wound will ever do--such things will only become contaminated by the festering underneath. To heal a physical wound, nurture the body. To heal a psychological wound, nurture the soul. Take it into you, chew it, process it, let it become a part of you and rebuke the infection. Go forth whole.
originally written Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 10:21pm
DANG! Write a book! Write a book! For real.
ReplyDeleteI really REALLY liked this article. I've actually used some of the exact terminology in relation to a couple of dear, but dysfunctional relationships. Dani's right. Write a book!
ReplyDeleteNow, if you would please expound on the last two sentences, it would be incredibly useful as I'm on the other side of this relationship you speak of. I could use a new perspective on the healing part.
ReplyDelete"Take it into you, chew it, process it, let it become a part of you and rebuke the infection. Go forth whole." (Last 2 sentences)
ReplyDeleteMuch more control is found in stepping toward a problem than reacting to it. The last 2 sentences are a call to allow yourself to fully process and accept your experience. Begin by conducting a self check and take note of your own responses to this individual (physical/emotional/self talk) as they are often the first signal that boundaries are being violated. Accept your reactions and allow them to serve their purpose of protecting you. Accept the other person's limitations (refusal to change, inability to empathize, etc)...then make a concious decision as to how you are willing to participate in this relationship. Allow yourself to let go if necessary, to mourn the loss, to be angry/hurt, to forgive yourself, to forgive the other person. Use your new awareness to proceed with confidence.
Very Much enjoyed your blog Marti...great job of expressing the emotions and dynamics of this process and journey...write a book - go for it ..
ReplyDeleteChris